How does one start a blog about something that is so
personal? I guess, with a question.
Though the year isn’t quite over, it’s been a hard year for
me.
Mike and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and
it hasn't happened. My inquisitive personality asks why constantly.
In the beginning I
thought, “Weird. I thought we’d be pregnant by now.” As those months of disappointment
continued my thoughts changed. I questioned why God wasn’t allowing us to get
pregnant. I thought maybe He knows I’d be a bad mom. Maybe I’m not mature
enough. Maybe I couldn’t handle a kid and I just need to accept I’m not “mom”
material. Maybe God’s trying to tell me something and I’m not listening.
There were countless tears and confusion. I felt alone. It’s
hard being a Mormon when everything is about families and Mike and I are the
ONLY couple in the ward without kids. Sometimes that makes it hard to make
friends or keep them. But I didn’t expect to be angry. I was angry with anyone
who asked me why we didn’t have kids. I wanted to SCREAM at them, “I’m trying!
But it’s not working!” I was angry with people who complained about their kids.
I also wanted to scream, “at least you HAVE kids!” I was angry when fertile –myrtle’s told me, “don’t worry
about it, it’ll happen.” I was angry with God for not giving me a child. Isn’t
wanting to have a child a righteous desire? Mostly I was angry at myself. I
took full responsibility for not having a child. What was I doing wrong? If
it’s me, I’ll fix it.
Mike has been great. My rock. He has so much faith. He gets
that things will happen in God’s time. God’s time, that’s something I’ve always
(and I expect will always) struggle with.
I’m not saying I’m completely done being sad. It is still
hard for me, but a couple of months ago I put my struggles back on God. I had
one of “those” prayers. I poured all of my heart and emotion out to God and
told Him to just take it. I decided that I can do what I can do, and God will
take care of the rest. So it’s in His hands now. After that, I was reminded that
the atonement (Christ’s suffering and eventual death) is a real thing we can
use when the days are hard. That moment has changed my life. I understand that
we just have to do our best. Sometimes things really are out of our control and
those are the times when we have to have real faith that God’s timing is
perfect.
The moment when I knew I believed that having a child is in
God’s hands and timing was when a little girl asked me why I don’t have kids
yet. Instead of the usual answer of “Don’t know.” I said, “ we’re waiting on
God.” She was confused and said, “I thought mom’s and dad’s decide that.” I
replied, much to my surprise, “yes but it’s all in His timing.” I don’t think
she understood, but I am grateful that she asked.
God’s timing is
perfect.
I don’t know when we’ll have kids. I don’t know if we’ll
adopt. I don’t know, but I know God does. At least for today, that’s all I
need.
I know a year isn’t half as long as many people wait to have
children. But to all of you no matter if you’ve been trying for years or months
and it hasn’t happened, your pain is real and no less important than anyone else’s.
To all of you women
and men who are struggling, I hope you can see that you are not alone and God’s
plan for you is perfect.
*I do know
that it can take well over a year for healthy couples to get pregnant. I'm also
aware of everything that Mike and I can do in order to better our chances. My
hope is that this post doesn't read as a "cry for help/advice" but
instead just a piece of my story that I wanted to share with you about
something I learned. We are praying and hopeful that God provides answers for
us this year as we continue trying!
